ACT I, SCENE 1

[The scene begins on the last day of school before winter break. The month is December. There is an inch or two of snow on the ground, and large flakes are falling slowly from the sky. The final bell rings and a horde of high school students floods out of the building’s doors, among them CASSI and JAMES, walking hand in hand. The two walk down the sidewalk in silence until they reach a fork in the road.]

JAMES: [Stops, embracing Cassi affectionately] I can’t believe I don’t get to see you for a whole two weeks!

CASSI: [Laughs bitterly] I have a feeling you’ll survive.

JAMES: [remaining obliviously cheerful] Oh, come on! A whole two weeks snowed in with my family? You know how interesting that can be!

CASSI: Yeah, like your family’s dysfunctional.

JAMES: What’s wrong, Cas? Most people are at least a little happy for Christmas.

CASSI: James, I love Christmas – all the gift giving and Christmas spirit and what not. It’s my family that’s the problem.

JAMES: I’ve met your mom and your dad and your…well, your brother’s a piece of work, but they didn’t seem too bad.

CASSI: Yeah, they’re fine – apart.

[Cassi pulls away from James and sits down on an old log near the sidewalk, running her fingers back through her hair in exasperation. He sits down beside her hesitantly.]

But when they get together for Christmas Eve? My mom gets so stressed out with the cleaning and cocking, and my dad gets so uptight about money that both of them spend the whole time fighting with each other. And Mike has gotten so greedy now that he’s hanging out with Jared. He acts like he’s rich when he knows we’re not. Then add Grandpa Frederick and his latest fling, and Grandma Edith and her unholy crabbiness, and a whole score of other relatives –

JAMES: It can’t be that bad, Cassi.

CASSI: Last year, my mom threatened to kill my grandpa’s fiancé.

JAMES: Well, it’s her dad, and the woman was a year older than she was.

CASSI: Uncle Shawn drank too much and crashed his car into our neighbor’s Porsche.

JAMES: At least he didn’t hurt anyone.

CASSI: Mom forgot Aunt Susan is lactose intolerant and put milk in the mashed potatoes.

JAMES: Cassi.

CASSI: She spent the whole night in the bathroom!

JAMES: [Louder] Cassi!

CASSI: And don’t get me started on Grandma Edith! She –

[James kisses her suddenly, cutting her off. He pulls away, leaving Cassi quietly stunned.]

JAMES: Sweetie, calm down. Things are going to be okay.

CASSI: You’re lying to me.

JAMES: Cassi, have I ever lied to you?

CASSI: [Without hesitation] Yes.

JAMES: Well, that was for your own good.

CASSI: You still lied.

JAMES: Well I’m not this time! [Takes hold of Cassi’s hand soothingly] Think positive, Cas. They’re only there for one night. Do your best to make things go smoothly. Things will work out.

CASSI: [Sighs] Will you call me?

JAMES: Yes, I’ll call you. And I’ll be there first thing Christmas morning to cheer you up if things go badly, okay?

CASSI: Okay.

[The two get to their feet and James pulls Cassi to him, kissing her gently.]

JAMES: I love you.

CASSI: I love you too.

[They let go. James exits via the fork on the left. Cassi exits via the fork on the right. Blackout.]

ACT I, SCENE 2

[The setting is the living room of Cassi’s house on December 23rd. Cassi’s mother, PHOEBE, is rushing about anxiously, dusting and picking things up. On the stage is a couch, a coffee table with a nativity scene adorning it, a standing lamp, a large grandfather clock, a television, and a Christmas tree.]

PHOEBE: [Singing] Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the… [Stops then shouts] Mike! Stop leaving dirty dishes everywhere!

[Enter Cassi stage right, stretching and dressed in pajamas]

PHOEBE: It’s about time you woke up! I can’t believe you slept until noon!

CASSI: I wasn’t sleeping. I was hiding.

PHOEBE: Why were you hiding? [Before Cassi can answer] I need you to take out the trash, clean the bathroom, and make a shopping list for when your father goes out tonight.

CASSI: That’s why.

PHOEBE: And get dressed. Your uncle’s going to be here in a few hours.

CASSI: What? Why?

PHOEBE: You know he always drinks too much on Christmas Eve. We thought it would be safer for him to come ahead of time.

CASSI: And you really want a drunk sleeping on your couch tonight?

PHOEBE: You’re right. He can have your room then.

CASSI: Mom!

PHOEBE: Get dressed. Do your chores. Be pleasant for once in your life.

[Cassi exits stage right. Her brother, MICHAEL, enters briskly stage right.]

PHOEBE: Michael, take care of your dishes.

MICHAEL: I’m going to Jared’s.

PHOEBE: Did you even hear me?

MICHAEL: I’ll be back around seven.

PHOEBE: Michael! Take in your dishes!

MICHAEL: [Pulling on a winter jacket] You do it.

PHOEBE: Excuse me? You’re fourteen years old! You have no right to talk to me like that!

MICHAEL: Jared’s mom doesn’t make him do chores.

PHOEBE: Jared’s mom also has a maid!

MICHAEL: And I have you. I’ll be back at seven.

[Michael exits stage left. Cassi’s father, JON, enters stage left.]

PHOEBE: [Irate] Did you hear what your son just said to me?

JON: Whatever it was, he learned it from you.

PHOEBE: Oh, I beg to differ! Maybe he wouldn’t treat me like such a doormat if he saw you do something around the house more!

JON: [Yelling] And why should I, Phoebe? I work all day to bring home money and put food on the table, and what do you do? You spend it all like you’re entitled to and then nag at me for not caring about the family!

PHOEBE: Don’t spin this around on me, Jon! You know as well as I do that I work just as hard as you!

JON: Then where’s the money, Phoebe? Where’s the money?

PHOEBE: You’re the one who wanted me to stay at home.

JON: Well we’ll see how that goes when the kids get nothing for Christmas!

[Cassi enters from stage right, now dressed. Jon spins on her.]

And you! What gives you the right to sleep all day before company comes? Do something useful for a change!

[Jon storms off stage left. A door can be heard slamming.]

CASSI: Love you too, Dad.

PHOEBE: Just ignore him, Cas. [Returns to dusting] Can you take out the trash and get some clean sheets for your uncle tonight?

CASSI: Sure, Mom.

[Cassi hugs Phoebe and exits stage right. Phoebe begins dusting the nativity scene on the coffee table.]

PHOEBE: [Stops incredulously] Who replaced baby Jesus with a bull?

[Lights fade, next scene begins directly after.]

ACT I, SCENE 3

[It is now evening. Cassi is lounging on the couch, reading a book while Phoebe rushes on, off, and around the stage anxiously, as if she has a thousand things to do. The grandfather clock strikes seven. Phoebe begins speaking frantically as the clock chimes.]

PHOEBE: Where’s your brother? He was supposed to be back by now! And your father! He went to the store over an hour ago! I hope he’s okay.

CASSI: [Not looking up from the pages of her book] If you’re so worried, call them.

PHOEBE: No, your dad hates it when I call him. And he never answers his phone anyways. Did I turn the oven on?

[Phoebe rushes offstage.]

CASSI: When is Uncle Shawn getting here?

PHOEBE: [Offstage] About half an hour ago.

CASSI: [Looks from the book in confusion] And you’re not worried about him?

PHOEBE: Cas, your uncle hasn’t made it anywhere on time since the day I met him. If he’s not here by midnight, I’ll be worried.

CASSI: [Looks back to her book] And to think that Linda let him go.

[Phoebe walks back on stage, looking as if she’s forgotten something.]

PHOEBE: That’s family you’re talking about.

CASSI: Linda was family.

PHOEBE: But Shawn is blood.

[Phoebe sits down on the couch beside Cassi, fidgeting.] You can’t choose your family, Cas. You can do your best to change them, ignore them, even hate them, but you can’t help that you’re related to them.

CASSI: You could have helped that by not marrying Dad.

PHOEBE: Then you wouldn’t have to worry about who you were related to. You’d have never been born.

[A door slams offstage. Jon storms on stage left, carrying a bag of groceries. He looks at the two women angrily.]

JON: So I have to run all over town, so you two can sit here and do nothing?

[Phoebe quickly gets to her feet.]

PHOEBE: I sat down for thirty seconds, Jon. I’ve been working myself to death.

JON: Of course. And I didn’t just spend $130 I don’t have on things we don’t need so you can play the pretty little part of hostess.

PHOEBE: What are you talking about?

[As he begins listing items, Jon pulls each one out of the bag and sets it onto the coffee table.]

JON: $30 for a bottle of wine only your dad drinks. $15 for good cheese. $15 for summer sausage. $15 for lactose-free mashed potato mix. And – this is my favorite – $25 for new Christmas napkins, because the old ones just weren’t good enough.

CASSI: That’s only $100, Dad.

JON: Yeah, that’s not including the $30 I paid for dog food for that mutt you don’t pay any attention to.

[A door slams offstage and Michael enters stage left.]

You’re lucky I don’t take him out back and shoot him.

MICHAEL: Dad, leave Franklin alone. She loves that dog more than she loves me.

PHOEBE: Michael, where have you been? You said you would be home at seven!

MICHAEL: Yeah, and it’s 7:20. Big deal.

JON: Don’t talk to your mother like that! If you can’t be home on time, you’re not going anywhere!

PHOEBE: Oh, so suddenly you care how he talks to me? Where were you this afternoon?

JON: You’re mad when I stand up for you, you’re mad when I don’t stand up for you. Are you ever happy?

CASSI: Don’t we have this stupid argument every Christmas?

PHOEBE: Why would I be happy when you only stand up for me when it’s convenient for you?

JON: And here I thought I married a happy, young woman.

CASSI: Dad!

JON: Between you and your insolent children, maybe I should just leave!

PHOEBE: How could you even –

[The screech of tires comes from offstage, along with a sharp, pained yelp. The family grows silent and looks stage left. A door slams offstage, and SHAWN stumbles on stage left.]

SHAWN: Jon! It’s so good to see you! [Embraces Jon in a hug.] So when did you guys install a speed bump?

[Michael rushes off stage left. A door slams. Cassi gets up from the couch anxiously. Moments later, a door slams again, and Michael re-enters stage left. A large dog is lying motionless in his arms. Phoebe starts to cry and runs off stage right.]

MICHAEL: Cassi…I’m so sorry.

CASSI: [Emotionless] It’s fine, Mike.

JON: Cassi –

CASSI: It’s fine.

[Cassi calmly exits stage right. Blackout. After a moment, a dim spotlight comes on. Nothing is on stage, except for Cassi, center. She is holding a phone to her ear.]

CASSI: Come on, James. Please pick up. [Pause] No, don’t go to voicemail! [Pause] Think positive, James? Things will work out, James? My uncle just ran over my dog! And you said you’d call? Yeah, right. I should have known you lied. You lied about everything. Merry Christmas.

[Lights fade to blackout. Cassi lets out a cry of anguish.]

ACT II, SCENE 1

[The setting is again the living room of Cassi’s house. It’s four in the evening on Christmas Eve. The television is playing quietly in the background. Shawn is slouching on the couch with a beer in his hands. Cassi sits silently beside him, leaning away from him uncomfortably. Phoebe is running on, off, and around the stage as before, finishing any last minute business before guests arrive.]

PHOEBE: Michael! You left dishes in the living room again! Is it too much to ask for you to pick up after yourself?

SHAWN: Come on, Phoebe. Give the kid a break. He’s just a boy.

PHOEBE: Well, I’m sorry if I’d like my son to not turn out like you, Shawn.

SHAWN: Well that’s not very nice. What have I ever done to you?

PHOEBE: Well, most recently, you killed my dog.

SHAWN: No, I killed Cassi’s dog. And she forgives me, don’t you?

[Shawn moves to touch Cassi’s shoulder and she recoils automatically, brushing away his hand.]

CASSI: Sure, I forgive you.

SHAWN: See? No harm done.

PHOEBE: No harm? [Incredulous] You’re really not the brightest duck in the pond, are you?

SHAWN: Jon, tell your wife to be nice to me!

PHOEBE: Jon, tell your brother to put the bottle down because it’s clearly affecting his judgment.

JON: [Offstage] Merry Christmas to you too.

PHOEBE: [Sighs] How’s the ham coming, honey?

[The doorbell rings offstage. Phoebe runs off stage left briefly and reenters with EDITH, VICTOR, SUSAN and ANNABEL. Susan is carrying a bag and a dish, and Edith is carrying another dish.]

It’s so nice to see you again, Edith.

EDITH: Yes, yes. You know, you could have at least dusted, Phoebe. You knew we were coming, didn’t you?

PHOEBE: Yes, of course. I should have been cleaning for the past two days. How thoughtless of me…Jon, your family’s here!

EDITH: Cassi, don’t you have a hug for your grandma?

CASSI: No, can’t say I do.

ANNABEL: Cassi!

[Annabel rushes over to the couch and hugs Cassi tightly.]

CASSI: Hey, sweetie. How’s my favorite cousin?

ANABEL: Where’s Franklin? Mom and I brought treats for him!

[Phoebe takes the bag of treats and the dish from Susan.]

PHOEBE: Let me just take this from you. I see you made your own mashed potatoes.

SUSAN: Sorry, but after last year…

PHOEBE: No, don’t worry. I would have done the same thing.

EDITH: You think you’d know about your family’s health concerns. I know that you can’t eat bananas. Don’t I, Victor?

VICTOR: Yes, dear.

EDITH: It makes it awfully hard to make banana bread for the family.

PHOEBE: What’s that in the dish?

EDITH: Banana bread.

PHOEBE: Of course. Why don’t you guys go into the dining room?

EDITH: When can we expect to be eating?

PHOEBE: As soon as my dad gets here.

EDITH: Leave it to Frederick to be late.

PHOEBE: Leave it to you to be early.

[The doorbell rings again offstage.]

There he is now. Go in the dining room, we’ll eat soon.

[FREDERICK and ROSA walk on stage left. Shawn, Edith, Victor, Susan, and Annabel exit stage right.]

FREDERICK: Merry Christmas, honey. I hope you don’t mind, I let myself in.

PHOEBE: Not at all, Dad! Who’s this with you?

FREDERICK: This is Rosa.

PHOEBE: Oh. Nice to meet you.

ROSA: It’s a pleasure to meet you too.

PHOEBE: Why don’t you make yourself at home and join everybody in the dining room, Rosa?

ROSA: Thank you.

[Rosa exits stage right.]

PHOEBE: Dad, why did you bring her here?

FREDERICK: Why wouldn’t I?

PHOEBE: She’s got to be ten years younger than I am!

[Cassi gets to her feet.]

CASSI: This is going to be interesting.

[Cassi, Frederick and Phoebe exit stage right. Blackout.]

ACT II, SCENE 2

[The scene takes place in the dining room. The scenery is a long dining room table with various foodstuffs on it, surrounded by twelve chairs, and a crystal chandelier above the table. Everybody but Jon is already seated. Jon walks on stage left carrying a large ham and sets it in the center of the table. He takes a seat beside Phoebe.]

JON: All right, let’s eat!

SUSAN: It looks great, Jon.

[Everybody but Edith begins dishing food onto their plates and starts eating.]

EDITH: Aren’t we going to say grace?

MICHAEL: Why? We aren’t Christian.

EDITH: Don’t be silly. Of course you are. [Pauses] Aren’t they?

PHOEBE: We don’t want to force our kids to believe in anything, Edith.

EDITH: So you’re encouraging your kids to go to Hell then?

JON: We are. They’ll be warm and toasty right next to you.

VICTOR: Don’t talk to my wife like that!

EDITH: Shut up, Victor.

PHOEBE: Can’t we all just have a nice, normal dinner for a change?

SUSAN: Agreed. So, Rosa, how did you and Frederick meet?

ROSA: Somebody had given me his business card. I showed up in his office one day looking for a lawyer to take my case.

PHOEBE: Your case?

ROSA: Yes. I was sold into a marriage with a Japanese man a few years ago. He took me here for his work, but I ran away before he went home. I don’t have a visa to be here.

EDITH: Charming. We’re dining with an illegal.

FREDERICK: Come off it, Edith. You forget not everybody’s as bigoted as you.

EDITH: We know you’ll sleep with anything that moves, but most people at least have standards.

FREDERICK: You’re right. Why did Victor marry you again?

[Victor gets to his feet angrily.]

VICTOR: Don’t talk about my wife like that, you cow!

FREDERICK: Speaking of cows…

PHOEBE: Dad, stop it!

[Michael stands up and begins to walk towards stage left.]

Michael, where are you going?

MICHAEL: I’m going into town.

PHOEBE: But it’s Christmas Eve! This is a time for family!

CASSI: Mom, just let him go. It’s not like anyone’s having a good time anyways.

JON: Don’t talk to your mother that way! She worked very hard to make this nice for everyone.

[Michael exits stage left unnoticed.]

CASSI: Yeah, and everyone’s acting like a bunch of heathens and ruining everything.

JON: Don’t act so high and mighty, Cassi. You’re just like us!

CASSI: If I ever start to act like you, I beg you to kill me.

[Jon gets to his feet angrily, knocking his plate off the table.]

JON: Watch your mouth, girl, or I’ll smack it off of you!

SUSAN: Come on, Annabel. Let’s go watch some TV.

[Susan quickly drags Annabel off stage left.]

PHOEBE: Jon, leave her alone! She didn’t do anything!

JON: Oh, of course you’d jump to her defense! Poor little Cassi always needs Mommy to help her fight her battles!

PHOEBE: Somebody has to defend her! You treat her horribly and then act like Michael walks on water!

JON: Yeah, I’m always the bad guy! I’m the one with the problem here! Maybe you should shut up and mind your own business, woman! You weren’t in this conversation.

EDITH: I told you not to marry her. I told you she’d make a horrible wife, and I was right. I know a good divorce attorney you can hire.

[Phoebe gets to her feet as well.]

PHOEBE: You are the one with the problem, Jon! You do this all the time, and I’m so sick of it! Why can’t you have the decency to treat your daughter and I like human beings?

JON: What, that waste of space you call a daughter?

[Phoebe takes hold of her plate and throws it at Jon with a shriek. Jon ducks and it shatters to the floor behind him. Cassi gets to her feet and rushes off stage left.]

Thanks so much, Cassi! You ruined Christmas!

[Blackout.]

ACT II, SCENE 3

[The setting is the master bathroom of Cassi’s house. On stage is a pair of sinks, a large mirror, a toilet with the lid down, a cabinet, and a bath tub. There is a door at the back of the stage. Cassi is sitting on the toilet, crying. The door opens and Rosa walks in, shutting it behind her quietly.]

CASSI: Do people just walk into an occupied bathroom without knocking in your country?

ROSA: You’ve been in here for over an hour. We were worried that you’d died.

CASSI: Nope, I’m alive. Please leave now.

[Rosa takes a seat on the edge of the bath tub across from Cassi.]

ROSA: When I was ten years old, my mother died in childbirth. My father sold me and my siblings into slavery.

CASSI: I’m sorry.

ROSA: The only thing that kept him with us to begin with was Mother. He always used to tell her that he wished he’d never had children. If we even made the smallest mistake, we’d be beaten.

CASSI: Wow.

ROSA: And then she died. Father didn’t say a single word to me for an entire week, or to any of us. Then one day he came into our room and told us we were going to visit a friend. He took us to a shack in the center of town, and then he left. I haven’t seen him since.

CASSI: I…don’t know what to say.

ROSA: I didn’t want you to say anything. I just wanted you to know that your father loves you. Things will get better. They always do.

CASSI: After all you’ve been through, how can you even begin to say that?

ROSA: I was a slave for twenty years. I’ve had a lot happen to me, and if I lost hope, where would I be? Things are getting better for me now. I have your grandpa to thank for that; he’s done so much for me in the past few months. People are generally good, Cassi. You just have to give them the chance to be.

FREDERICK: [Offstage] Rosa! We’re leaving!

[Rosa gets to her feet and walks to the door.]

ROSA: Remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Sometimes, the dawn just takes awhile to get here.

[Rosa leaves through the door, closing it behind her. Blackout.]

ACT III, SCENE 1

[The scene is back in the living room. Jon and Phoebe are sitting together on the couch, watching TV. The nativity scene in the center of the coffee table is now a pile of broken glass. Cassi enters slowly from stage right. Phoebe begins talking when she sees her.]

PHOEBE: There she is! We were beginning to worry that you’d drowned.

CASSI: Where is everybody?

PHOEBE: Everybody’s gone.

CASSI: What did I miss?

PHOEBE: Quite a bit, actually. At dessert, Grandma Edith spit at Rosa, so my dad threw the whole pie at her. It hit her right in the face.

CASSI: I’m almost sad I missed that.

PHOEBE: Yeah, and then Susan came in to tell us that she wasn’t going to bring Annabel over for Christmas anymore if we were going to act like animals. Of course, she left Annabel alone in the living room to tell us this. She tried to use baby Jesus as a bouncy ball and shattered the whole nativity.

CASSI: Wow.

PHOEBE: And your uncle destroyed our mailbox on the way out.

CASSI: Sounds interesting.

JON: I’d say it was a good Christmas, wouldn’t you?

[Cassi sits down on the couch beside her parents.]

CASSI: Is it too much to ask for a normal family dinner just once in our lives?

PHOEBE: Sweetie, that would imply that we had a normal family.

CASSI: Come on, Mom. Every year you work yourself to death trying to make things perfect for everyone. Don’t you ever get disappointed by how things go?

PHOEBE: I’d probably be more disappointed if things did turn out perfect. It wouldn’t be nearly as exciting.

CASSI: Yeah, exciting is the word I’d used to describe the band of heathens we call family.

PHOEBE: Cassi, it doesn’t matter how they act. It doesn’t matter what they say or who they’re with. All that matters is that they’re family, and we love them. That’s why we have them every year, no matter how bad things seem to get. They’re still family.

JON: You just have to give people a chance, Cassi. They may surprise you.

CASSI: And if they don’t?

JON: That’s just a chance you have to take.

[A door opens and closes off stage, and Michael enters stage left, carrying a fairly large, wrapped box.]

PHOEBE: It’s about time you came back, Michael.

MICHAEL: Hey, I had some last minute Christmas shopping to do.

[He places the box down on the coffee table in front of Cassi.]

You have to open it now. It can’t wait until morning.

CASSI: Should I be worried?

MICHAEL: Just open it.

CASSI: If it’s a severed head, I am going to be very upset.

MICHAEL: Cassi, just shut up and let me do something nice for you.

[Cassi unwraps the box slowly. She removes the box’s lid and looks inside the box with surprise.]

CASSI: Oh my God. Mike…

MICHAEL: His name’s Jack.

[Cassi reaches into the box and pulls out a purebred German shepherd puppy.]

CASSI: He must have cost –

MICHAEL: Don’t worry about it. I had some spare money on hand. I knew how much you loved that dog.

CASSI: More than I loved you?

MICHAEL: Pretty much.

[Cassi sets the puppy back in the box carefully, then gets to her feet and hugs Michael.]

CASSI: Well, you’re making some points. Thanks so much, Mike.

MICHAEL: No problem, sis.

[Phoebe gets to her feet.]

PHOEBE: So I hid another pie in the fridge.

MICHAEL: Oh thank God. I’m starved!

JON: Christmas Eve isn’t over yet! Let’s eat!

[Jon, Phoebe, Michael, and Cassi exit stage right. Blackout.]

ACT III, SCENE 2

[At the back of the stage is the side of Cassi’s house, with a door that leads out onto a small porch. The porch’s steps lead to a small concrete walkway. The ground is still covered in snow, but the sky is clear. The door opens and Cassi steps out onto the porch, closing the door behind her. She leans on the railing to look up at the sky.]

CASSI: [To herself] That…was almost perfect.

[Inside the house, the grandfather clock strikes midnight. On the twelfth chime, James enters stage left, carrying a single rose and unnoticed by Cassi.]

JAMES: Merry Christmas.

[Cassi looks over at him in surprise. She shrieks with joy, running down the steps hastily. She slips on the icy walk, falling backwards and hitting her head. James rushes to her side in concern and kneels beside her.]

Are you okay?

CASSI: Ow.

JAMES: [Laughs] My clumsy girlfriend.

CASSI: I can’t believe you’re here!

JAMES: I said I would be. First thing Christmas morning, remember?

CASSI: Yes, but you also said you’d call.

JAMES: I also said that everything would work out. I guess I lied.

CASSI: No, you didn’t.

[Cassi wraps her arm around James’ neck and pulls him down to kiss him. Lights fade and curtains close.]